A few weeks ago a repairman stood in our drawing room, looked around and asked, “So, my love, when are you moving in?”
I was shocked. We’ve lived here nearly 7 years.
Looking back, I can see why he was confused.
The floor was covered in cardboard boxes full of things to donate, sell or recycle. All our paintings were down from the walls, and we’d removed nearly all the furniture. All that remained was a table, two chairs, and an earthenware jug of sunflowers on the chimney piece.
I loved it.
A blank slate, a clear space to grow into.
The story behind all this, of course, is much more complex than the new simplicity of our space. We’d been working on The Phoenix Fire Academy (I go through it myself each time we run the program) and one of the principals being put into place was detoxing – not just our stories and old thought patterns, but also our physical space. (For more on that, you’ll have to wait until 2015!)
In detoxing in this way, I realised something: my space was a culmination of my healing, life and times to this point. My work, healing and survival. My space reflected me.
We are all going to die but how many of us will truly live? And live for ourselves, first and foremost? Not for your spouse, not for your parents not for your career, not for your illness but live for you? That’s the golden ticket.
~ Kris Carr
In re-watching Kris Carr’s thoughts on this topic my belief that this seeking of vibrant life is something universal to all of us was re-affirmed, for those with and without illness – and that our place on this spectrum makes this aspect of our journey no less personal or essential.
I’m diving in and exploring, What do I love? As truly, alive me? What makes my heart shine?
Not what’s good for my body.
Or manages symptoms.
Or keeps anxiety lowered.
Or gives me the restorative space I need to be able to do my work.
Or is good for my career.
What do I enjoy as a human, unrelated to illness?
It’s a difficult question to ponder, as illness has guided my reality for so many years. I’ve lived a certain way because of it, despite it, after it, in liberation from it. But with the truth that is has, often, influenced my entire world.
What do I enjoy for me?
In asking these (somewhat scary) questions, I have found that, unnervingly, I don’t yet know the answer.
It’s a bizarre feeling – even after all my work in self-awareness, years of meditation, journaling and therapy, I still don’t know myself completely. Not even close.
I do know my aches and shadow sides. I’ve been up close and personal with mortality and pain points for decades. But pleasure? It’s a vastly unexplored area.
And so I’m setting out now to explore it, more fully. I am daily, gently, excitedly, in big ways and small, embracing what my soul leans toward, and deepening my inner connection to joy.
I invite you to join me. Share what makes your soul smile in the comments below!
Image courtesy of Kim.