Today I got up close to fear, and was more scared of something not-life-and-death than I have been in a long time.
I signed up for a press service and got some story requests I could contribute to.
So I pitched.
And I was scared. I mean really scared; anxious and sticky and can’t breathe scared.
What if people laughed at me? And thought “what SHE thinks she is good enough for my show? She hasn’t even got her book published yet, she lives out in the back of beyond, who does she think she is?”
Voices in our heads are so mean sometimes aren’t they?
But I thought “So what? The worst is that they will say no, or ignore me, or email and say no way and tell me why”. But I could cope with that, it wouldn’t be fun but I’d live through it.
I emailed and pitched.
I just got an email back saying of course they would be delighted to have me on the show! Squeeeee and now new fear of having to actually do it!
Sometimes I gear myself up to things by reminding myself “it can’t be worse than negotiating with the police, it can’t be worse than being told you could die”. My husband pointed out that if I was repeatedly comparing day to day activities with facing death or arrest (and wasn’t that a fun time…..oh well, story for another time perhaps) then maybe I was a little too far outside my comfort zone.
I don’t think so.
Another fear memory came up today. When they told me, I wanted to be sick. I didn’t want to cry or do art therapy or yoga or deal with it in some way. I wanted the world to turn again, I wanted things to make sense. I know sudden death doesn’t get easier, but I am angry that I have lost enough loved ones to know that, at 24.
The fear tried to stop me. Slowing down, grieving and resting is one thing. To be paralysed is quite another. I still remember how it feels.
Another fear jumped in, the one which says this might be it, I might get so ill again, might send myself back to that and so desperately regret my Icarus audacity of trying to write a book, support people, and change the world a little. Rather than just being content being able to breathe and move without agonising pain.
This is the fear I sit on my mat with. This is the fear I embrace and comfort. This is the fear on my 30 day journey of courage.
I am proudly participating in Marianne Elliot’s 30 Days of Courage program. You can get her amazing book and join the program free here. Do it, for all of us who are waiting for you to get the courage to unleash your whole soul.
My courageous steps include being interviewd on the lovely Amy Zellmers Blog Talk Radio here and teaching my first live in person and online class. Sign up and Reclaim Sleep for good rest and a productive life! I am also so excited to have had a poem published here.
Get clicking dear-heart and sign up to enjoy!