When I was finally diagnosed with my first autoimmune diagnosis, I was relieved – relieved to actually have a diagnosis. For somebody to put a name and a label on everything I was going through.
(And finally, after all the years, they did believe me.)
It was really happening, I hadn’t ‘gone crazy’ or just become really, really unfit, or whatever other fears my mind could throw up.
If it had a name, that was something to hold onto.
If it had a name, I could find out about it, and I could look for a cure and make it all go away, and get my life back.
At the same time as this, I was desperately embarrassed, really so ashamed, I felt like it was my fault, and that I was weak or had failed in some way. That I had done something wrong somehow, by getting ill. And that people would be angry at me for it. Or too worried and try and take more of my life away. The shame/blame game played out strongly and at the time I didn’t have the tools to handle or escape it.
I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I was the one who was so strong, who always coped, who had so much energy, who worked so hard.
I really really wanted the illness not to be true. I really, really wanted to just ignore it. Denial deepened.
I wanted not look at the diagnosis, the reality, the pain. I wanted to pull my life around and try and make it less of a factor. Never mention it. Change my hobbies and pretend it was from choice, and never ever say, not even whisper, that I was now far, far too sick to do the things I so desperately loved. Oh, adulting challenges.
You may have wanted this too, or you may have had one of a thousand other different reactions and that is ok.
We feel that something horrible has come into our lives, and we can’t instantly change it.
But we want so, so hard for this not to be happening to us.
Desperate with toe curling, tear streaming, muscles clenched, shouting, impotent fury and pleading for this not to be real and not to be happening to me, because I’m a good person, and I’ve got a life to lead and I don’t know how to handle this and I need to be okay.
The thing is, ignoring it doesn’t work… I was building my life around a pretence, I was not taking care of myself because I was too busy trying to pretend that I wasn’t sick and I got ever, ever so much sicker. Dangerously so.
But I found my way, and that’s what Trailblazing Wellness is about, it’s not to tell you my way – it’s to give you options and to help you find yours.
To get started, download my free guide on Turning Trailblazer below…